Sad

yesterday my mum told me that my grandma fell down at my uncle's house and was hospitalised. she had fallen down quite a few times recently and the most recent fell was the most serious. she had to go to the hospital for stitches on the mouth because my doctor cousin couldnt stop the bleeding. i was quite upset when i heard about this. today i went to my uncle's house with my mum to pick my grandma. her upper lip is very swollen and purplish while her eyes are also bruised. i guess its because the blood is dispersing. i was suddenly overwhelmed with guilt and sadness. i had ignored her for a long time and i didnt realise she had gotten so old and frail. she used to annoy me alot cos she will open the door and peek into the room. i always think its very rude. i didnt realise that she had stopped doing that for some time. & i dont know how long it had been since she last peeked into my room.
just awhile ago, i went to brush my teeth and wash my face. i noticed that she was in the toilet so i turned on the corridor light for her in case she needed it. after 10-15mins of washing up, i came out and noticed that she was still in the toilet so i went to knock on the door. i called her several times and she didnt answer. i got frightened cos i thought the worst had happened. luckily,after a while,she answered and told me she had fallen down. i woke my parents up and they helped her up. after they went back to sleep, i went to my grandma and told her to shout for me if she falls again. i can hear her from my study room so i can help her. her legs are very weak now and she trembles even when she uses the walking aid. i feel very sad just looking at it. my uncle told me that she fell down today morning as well and its the fifth time she fell this year. tonight's the sixth time. i have been so mean to her in the past. although she isnt the nicest grandma on earth, she doesnt deserve for everyone in my family to treat her this way. from the look of it, it seems like she doesnt have alot of time. i just want to be nice to her from now on. i will talk to her nicely and show her more concern.
i feel so sad.im such a bad person.


baby, i was very upset yesterday when you said you couldnt pick me up bcos it was very far away. initially i thought you might be kidding &you will definitely pick me up. you will never let me travel alone to purdue. but after that, i realised that you were serious. you dont understand my fear when i said im scared of travelling alone. im scared of doing the transit and missing my flights. & when u wanted me to travel alone from the airport to purdue, i was angry. im really frightened. i dont know the directions and by the time i arrive at the domestic airport, it would have been 8plus pm.i reckon its a long journey from the airport to the university. what if i get the wrong way and end up somewhere else? how do i find you? i will be travelling 30hours to meet you. why cant you travel 2hours to pick me up? how can 2hours of travelling be compared to 30hours of flight alone? you said you will always protect me. where will you be when i need you most? why arent you worried